Love is blind, and so is the Martian Cat.
But you needn't be blind to the madness of sending humans to Mars.



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The Martian Cat is a grim, adult satire that seeks to discredit the crazy idea of sending humans to live on Mars.

Space engineer Charlie Darling is the only one of 120 passengers on the Inter-Planet shuttle to arrive at the Mars Resort alive. He finds the resort destroyed, and all but one of the Mars colonists dead. The only survivor is a deranged female medic called Maddy whose driving quest is to prove that the ailment called Martian Madness is cause by fungus growing in the human brain.

Driven to despair by this grim situation, Charlie finds solace in the Martian Cat, an emaciated feline who just wants to avoid becoming someone's meal. On their own, Charlie and the Martian Cat have little chance of survival. Will their odds improve if they stick together?

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Author’s Note

I have never been to Mars and I dare say that I probably never will. After writing this book, I doubt that they’d let me through customs. But that’s okay, because I don’t want to go to the stupid planet, anyway. I wrote this book because I don’t want anyone else to go there, either – not for at least a hundred years, maybe a thousand years, maybe a million years. It’s not because I’m misanthropic and want to spoil people’s fun; it’s because the manned trips to Planet Mars will impose a massive cost on everyone, just when we need to be focusing our energy elsewhere: on the rehabilitation of Planet Earth.

Manned missions to Mars will create unprecedented environmental harm, misallocate vital human capital, and waste trillions of dollars of public money – your money and mine. The Mars colony will create great wealth for a handful of corporations, and this will justify them to lie, bribe and corrupt to protect their racket.
The biggest lie that will be perpetrated is that there is another home for humans in this solar system. That’s just not true. Humans are Earthlings. Don’t forget that title – ‘Earth’-ling. We evolved in 1G gravity. It is our birthright to live in 1G gravity.

Pro-Mars aficionados will likely bitch and moan about this book. They’ll say nasty things on social media, and I might even get death threats. That’s to be expected, because anyone who stands against a paradigm gets that sort of treatment. It’s just part of the game, I guess.

To my detractors, I say the following: if the manned mission to Mars is such a great idea, and has ‘real’ public support, then a satirical novel like this one is not going to make a lickety-split of difference; this book will be set aside as a the ravings of an angry crank, and you’ll get your stupid Mars colony.

However, if I am correct, and the manned mission to Mars is shown to be most stupid of ideas, and has very little broad-scale public support (outside of sci-fi enthusiasts and respondents to scammy questionnaires); then a novel like this might have a substantive impact in killing the idea off. If that’s the case, I’m glad to have been of service to humanity; and you Mars folk had it all wrong, so admit defeat with humility.

The Martian Cat is satirical science fiction story. It is filled to the brim with information about Mars, about space technology, the environmental impacts on Earth of space activity, and the physiological impacts of humans in the portable-lavatory sized dwellings they’d be reduced to occupying on the runt-planet.

Some of the information in this book is reasonably accurate. For example, I describe a Mars rocket as having a three-stage core fuelled with kerosene and liquid oxygen, and four solid fuel boosters. That kind-of checks out. But the reference to them swapping the kerosene with leaded petrol if the price is right; that’s satire, I made that up.

I don’t underline the fictional bits in this story, nor do I write it in a different font. Instead, I mix the truth with the fiction – like they mix monomethyl hydrazine with nitrogen tetroxide in the hypergolic rocket fuel.

This mixing of fact and fiction is not without precedent. The Marsophile (Mars lovers) do it all the time; they obfuscate the truth, like good Pro-Mars-Propagandists. As an example, the Matt Damon movie The Martian is roundly applauded for its ‘accuracy’ almost like it were a documentary; despite the glaring errors shared by all Mars movies.

The Martian movie completely fails to acknowledge that on Mars, the gravity is so light, that you can’t walk or move the way you do on Earth. They also ignore that Mars is dimly lit, because it so far out in space. So we are left with the impression that Mars is like the Simpson desert – bright and 1G gravity – when in fact, it is more like the Moon at dusk. They pump this misinformation out, and we swallow their stupid Mars story without thinking. We just gulp it down like a hungry Martian Cat devouring a bowl of fresh maggots.

Well, so it goes with The Martian Cat – the novel. I mix the truth with the lies, too. The maggots with the algae. The plutonium with the drinking water. The kerosene with the liquid oxygen. The toe-jam with the spacesuit. If you want to know the truth about Mars, don’t listen to the pro-Mars camp, and certainly don’t listen to me. Instead, engage your critical mind, read, learn and think it through. If you do that, you’ll be able to discern the truth, and I am sure that you’ll end up on my side, slinging mud at the rockets, and blowing raspberries at the wannabe Mars Colonists.

Throughout this novel is the reference to a cat, the Martian Cat. For cat-lovers, this story might not be for you; the poor moggie is in a terrible state, everyone wants to eat it, and progressively bits of it fall off. It’s got no teeth, and its fur comes falls out in sticky clumps at every misadventure. In writing about the Martian Cat, I am not condoning animal abuse; I like cats, particularly Burmese cats. Instead, the Martian Cat is a metaphor for Planet Earth, pulled to pieces by the uncaring humans. And that’s what this story is ultimately about, it’s a commentary about ecological sustainability – or the dire absence of it.

Besides the fact that going to Mars is helping to kill off the living systems of planet Earth, we humans simply don’t deserve to go to Mars. We may have the technology and the will, but we don’t have the temperament. As a species, we f**k everything up, when we ought to know better. And while you can’t f**k-up a dead planet, you can make a right mess of a living one, trying to get there. We will wreck enormous damage on Earth – environmentally, economically, socially, and spiritually – in our mad scramble for the dead planet. And the worse Earth gets, the more alluring Mars will be made to sound by the propagandists, thus creating a nasty positive-feedback mechanism.

Today, humanity is on a path to extinction due to climate change and the loss of biosphere integrity – not to mention the spent fuel ponds of hundreds of nuclear power stations that will start to fall apart up as soon as there is no modern industrial state to maintain them. We need to fix the mess that we have left on Earth, before we go gallivanting off to space. This is a species-level discipline that we need to learn. And we need to learn it fast.

If we can stabilise our bleeding planet, and bring her back to health, then maybe by mid-next century, we will have developed a more balanced and mature outlook on the role of humans in the solar system. Maybe in a hundred years, if we can get our shit together, the manned mission to Mars might not be such a bad idea. Until then, the idea of a Mars colony is stupid, deluded and dangerous, and it needs to be opposed at every opportunity.

I’ve given you some tools. Get to work.

Guy Lane
18 March 2017

Bill Maher: Fuck's an airless, lifeless, freezing shithole.


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Why would you join the Mars Opposition?

Here's just one reason: Stratospheric Soot.

NASA tests the largest solid rocket booster ever built. The fuel in this rocket is polybutadiene acrylonitrile - a form of synthetic rubber.

These crazy f**king Mars engineer psychopaths want to burn this shit in our stratosphere, where the soot particles have a huge warming effect and long residence time.